How to be a BAD Performer

(NOTE: The following article is meant to make you laugh, or at least crack a smile or two. Please don’t take it as serious advice.)

So, you’ve “mastered” the art of ho-hum dancing; what’s next? How about sharing your lack of commitment with an unsuspecting audience! You may have to deal with other dance-mates who will try to make you look almost decent, but a truly lousy dancer doesn’t let that stop them!

Just read and apply the following tips, and you’ll be well on your way to a very unexceptional showcase. Let’s go!

1. Don’t practice. I know I said it last time, but if it’s true when you’re learning for yourself, it’s doubly true when there’s a team depending on you! If they get mad, feel free to remind them that part of performing is learning to cover for each other’s mistakes.
2. Hog the choreographer’s time. All those dance friends are stealing the instructor’s attention for themselves – take it back and keep it, with tons of annoying questions! Bonus points if it’s on something they just finished explaining.
3. Steal the spotlight. You didn’t get picked for the front-and-centre dance position, so bring “front-and-centre” to you! Those outrageous moves might look out of place, but it will definitely get the audience’s attention. Remember: There’s no “I” in TEAM… But there IS an “M” and an “E”.
4. Party the night before. You know you’re going to be a sensation, so start the celebration early! Just pray a few stomach “sensations” don’t catch up to you the next morning…
5. Eat a big meal before practice/performing. A full belly just means there’s more to shaaaaake! Best if combined with tip #4.
6. Forget your costume. Want to stand out even more during the performance? How about by being the only dancer in street clothes, surrounded by your sequined peers? Okay, maybe not the best way to stand out, but still.
7. Don’t acknowledge the audience. Nothing says, “I’m better than you” like a dancer who doesn’t look at their audience. Plus, it’s scary looking at an audience? What if they’re frowning? I’m just kidding – they love you 😉
8. Decide not to perform… On the last rehearsal. Didn’t expect performing to be this tough? Then don’t do it! This means the other dancers will have to scramble to make up for your absence, but you probably didn’t get a central role anyway.

About the Author

Ian Crewe has been dancing ballroom for over 18 years, and has a Licentiate in American smooth and rhythm. His passion for dance eventually led him to blogging and the World Wide Web. Ian currently teaches at the Joy of Dance Centre, Toronto, ON, Canada.